| today's
laugh Three golfing
partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon
arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they
have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all
welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that
there is only one rule:
Don’t hit the ducks.
The men all have blank expressions, and
finally one of them asks "The ducks?"
"Yes", St. Peter replies,
"There are millions of ducks walking around the
course and if one gets hit, he squawks then the one next
to him squawks and soon they’re all squawkin to beat
the band, and it really breaks the tranquility. If you
hit the ducks, you’ll be punished, otherwise
everything is yours to enjoy."
After entering the course, the men
noted that there was indeed a gaggle of ducks everywhere.
Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys
hit one of them. The duck squawked, the one next to it
squawked and soon there was a deafening roar of duck
quacks.
St. Peter walked up with an extremely
homely woman in tow and asked "Who hit the
duck?"
The one who had done it admitted
"I did."
Immediately, St. Peter pulled out a
pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man’s right hand to
the homely woman’s left hand. "I told you not
to hit the ducks," he said."Now you’ll be
handcuffed together for eternity."
The other two men were very cautious
not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of
them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as
before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an
even uglier woman than before. St. Peter determined which
one had hit the duck by the fear in his face, and cuffed
the man’s right hand to the homely woman’s left
hand.
"I told you not to hit the
ducks", he said. "Now you’ll be handcuffed
together for eternity."
The third man was extremely careful.
Some days he wouldn’t even move for fear of even
nudging a duck. After three months of this he still
hadn’t hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at
the end of the three months and had with him a knock-out
gorgeous woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever
seen. St. Peter smiled to the man and then, without a
word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked
off.The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this
woman for eternity, let out a sigh and said "What
have I done to deserve this?"
The woman responded "I don’t
know about you, but I hit a duck."
1909
INTERESTING MELANGE.
A Chronological Record of Events as they have
Transpired in the City and County since our last Issue.
HARBIN RAN AWAY.
John Harbin, the well known house
cleaner, skipped the city street gang yesterday and ran
away from Street Commissioner Smith after serving but
three days of a thirty-six days sentence for beating his
wife with a stick in the gallery of the opera house. He
returned to the calaboose Monday night to sleep, but did
not show up last night. Marshal Drake concludes that he
has run away but will soon show up again.
Escaped Under
Cover.
A breezy story is told of how one of
the ticket sellers at the fair grounds escaped, with the
money he had taken in, to the city in a wagon under a
pile of bran sacks, while pursued and hunted by a crowd
of horsemen who wanted to take the money away from him
because they had not been paid.
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Today's Feature More Trash Carts
On The Way.
The new trash pickup system has
been in place a little over a week and, as
officials expected, there have been some
unexpected problems.
Some residents have not yet
received their trash carts due to several
reasons. According to the Public Works
Department, many residents who were using the
former trash pickup system were not on the list
of paying customers. That list was what dictated
the initial order for the poly carts. There has
also been more interest in having multiple carts
than was anticipated. A new batch of about 100
carts are due to be delivered in the next week or
so.
Last week the inquiries from
citizens kept one person at the Public Works
Department busy with phone calls, with some calls
being returned even after normal working hours.
Public Works employees and
representatives from Allied Waste, the contracted
trash hauler, have been identifying specific
problems. The Public Works Department does have
information, but it recommends that questions be
directed to Allied Waste at 1-800-627-1717
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Just Jake
Talkin'
Mornin',
My older brother took on
the philosophy of the tv character Davy
Crocket at a fairly young. "Be sure
you’re right, then go ahead" the
sayin’ he was tied to.
‘Course I favored the
Pop Eye character myself, he was known for
pipin’ up "I am what I am, what I
am" as I remember.
I suppose our parents were
a blend of the two, as I’m sure their
offspring are as well. We grew up
learnin’ that most things aren’t
really important enough to get too excited
about, but there comes a time ya gotta stand
your ground.
With that kind a
thinkin’, there also comes the
realization that in some instances you have
ta stand down.
Dependin’ on the
circumstances, both routes can be honorable,
and neither are necessarily somethin’ to
crow about.
This is some fact, but
mostly,
Just Jake Talkin’.
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Printing |
Weekly Columns THIS IS A HAMMER
By Samantha Mazzotta
Squeaky Stairs
Q: The stairs down to my
basement squeak like crazy when I walk on them.
What’s causing this, too much humidity? --
Harriet S., Wheeling, W.Va.
A: Humidity can cause wooden
stairs and floorboards to swell slightly. Dry air
can have the opposite effect. Temperature
fluctuations also can play a role in increasing
the amount of squeaking from a stair tread. Wood
is fairly reactive to changes in its environment
-- that’s part of its strength.
Of course, that doesn’t
solve the problem of annoying squeaks from the
treads as you walk up or down the stairs. So,
tackle it head-on. Or tread-on, as it were.
A stair squeaks when the tread
(where you put your foot) rubs against a riser
(one of the vertical boards that support the
tread). Depending on the amount of
"give" between the tread and riser, the
squeak can be minimal, or rather loud.
Inspect the entire staircase.
As it’s a basement staircase, you should be
able to walk underneath it and check things out
with a flashlight. Is all of the wood in good
condition? Do you see water damage, cracked
boards, or misaligned treads or risers? Any
damaged boards should be replaced. If the damage
was caused by water, find and stop the water
problem, as it can cause other issues throughout
the basement.
If a tread appears to be in
good condition but sags visibly when someone
walks on it, replace that tread.
Now, if there’s no major
damage or sagging, the squeaks can be dealt with
fairly cheaply. Have a helper walk up and down
the stairs while you pinpoint and mark the
squeaky areas. Then, shim the pinpointed spots --
drive small wooden wedges (available at the
hardware store) between the underside of the
tread and the front riser at each spot. Have your
helper test the shimmed tread; if it worked, use
wood glue to keep the shims in place.
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