| today's
laugh
A young executive was leaving the
office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in
front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO,
"this is a very sensitive and important document
here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you
make this thing work for me?"
"Certainly," said the young
executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper,
and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said
the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine.
"I just need one copy..."
A passerby noticed a couple of city
workers working along the city sidewalks. The man was
quite impressed with their hard work, but he
couldn’t understand what they were doing.
Finally, he approached the workers and
asked, "I appreciate how hard you’re both
working, but what the heck are you doing? It seems that
one of you digs a hole, and then the other guy
immediately fills it back up again.
One of the city workers explained,
"The third guy who plants the trees is off sick
today."
The boss was concerned that his
employees weren’t giving him enough respect, so he
tried and old fashioned method of persuasion: He brought
in a sign that said "I’m the Boss" and
taped it to his door. After lunch, he noticed someone had
taped another note under his. "Your wife called. She
wants her sign back!"
A newsboy was standing on the corner
with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it;
Fifty people swindled!" Fifty people swindled!
Curios, a man walked over, bought a paper, and said,
"Hey kid, this is an old paper, where’s the
story about the big swindle?" The newsboy ignored
him and went on calling out, "read all about it;
Fifty-one people swindled!"
1911
INTERESTING MELANGE.
A Chronological Record of Events as they have
Transpired in the City and County since our last Issue.
Big Woodman Meeting
Tonight.
The meeting of the Modern Woodmen
tonight will be a very important one, as a vote will be
taken on the question of the general reserve fund of the
order. Every member of the order is entitled to one vote
on this question, and that vote is counted regardless of
the way the majority of his lodge votes. It is to be a
vote of individual members, not a vote by lodges.
It is therefore urgently reguested that
every member of the lodge turn out this evening, no
matter what his sentiments on the question, and cast his
vote and let it be counted for what it is worth. It is
desirable to have a full expression of the membership on
this important question.
Mrs. Mortz Schmidt and Mrs. W. G.
Stevens were in Carthage last evening to attend the
wedding of their sister, Miss Edith Thompson to Gurley
Stanley.
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Today's Feature MO General
Assembly to Begin.
The First Regular Session of
the 96th Missouri General Assembly begins on
Wednesday, Jan. 5, 2010.
Lawmakers may prefile bills
continuing up to, but not including, the first
day of session. Bills filed during this period
are automatically introduced and read the first
time on the first day of the legislative session.
Measures may also be introduced by any senator
during the session, up until March 1, 2011.
This process is well underway,
with approximately over 45 measures already
prefiled in the Missouri Secretary of
Senate’s office. Among those measures
include bills addressing education, labor
organizations, dog breeders, voter photo
identification, unemployment benefits,
workers’ compensation, automated phone
calls, text messaging while driving, red light
cameras, child support, and motor vehicle
inspections.
A list of the bills prefiled
for the 2011 legislative session will be
available online at www.senate.mo.gov, click on
"List of 2011 Senate Bills" under the
"Legislation" drop down menu.
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Just Jake
Talkin'
Mornin',
Nothin’ like a couple
a 50 or 60 degree days in the middle of
January to brighten up the spirits some.
Course with the relatively mild winter
we’ve had, it’s hard ta claim cabin
fever.
I’m always interested
in the studies they do with folks bein’
deprived of sunlight over a period of time.
They say when folks don’t have clocks or
the sun to regulate their time, the natural
rhythm of sleep and time awake moves into
about a 25 hour cycle. Seems odd that we
haven’t yet trained our bodies to more
closely match the cycle of the sun. Or maybe
when our biological clocks were bein’
set, the days were actually longer.
Instead of daylight
savin’ time, maybe we should just go
with the twenty-five hour day. There’d
be less of ‘em ta keep track of and on
occasion ya get ta sleep in some.
This is some fact, but
mostly,
Just Jake Talkin’.
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Weekly
Columns
To Your Good
Health
By Paul G. Donohue,
M.D.
When Medicines
Fail to Quell Heartburn
DEAR DR. DONOHUE: I am 25. I
have a serious case of GERD. I’ve been put
on four different medicines. They aren’t
working.
I also have palpitations
throughout the day. I’ve been told by
doctors and nurses that there is nothing
dangerous about them. I’d like to know if
this true. -- J.C.
ANSWER: GERD --
gastroesophageal reflux disorder -- is heartburn.
It’s the upward spurting of stomach acid and
digestive juices into the esophagus, the
swallowing tube, a place that is not able to cope
with these corrosive juices the way the stomach
is.
Eliminate or go easy on foods
that make GERD worse: citrus fruits; tomatoes;
onions; carbonated drinks; spicy, fatty or fried
foods; chocolate; peppermint; and caffeine. If
you’re overweight, weight loss lessens GERD
symptoms. Don’t lie down after eating.
Don’t smoke. Sleep with your head, chest and
stomach on a slope by putting 6-inch blocks under
the bedposts at the head of your bed. That
position keeps stomach acid in the stomach.
Don’t wear anything that constricts your
stomach, like tight pants or tight belts.
Medicines called "proton
pump inhibitors" nearly completely turn off
acid production. Nexium, Prevacid, Prilosec,
Protonix, Aciphex and Dexilant are their names.
If you still have heartburn while on these
medicines, it’s OK to use an antacid along
with them.
If medicines fail, other causes
of heartburn need consideration, things like bile
reflux or eosinophilic esophagitis. If these
conditions aren’t found, then surgical
treatment of GERD is an option that’s open
to you.
Palpitations mean a thumping or
racing heart. They can be felt as a thud in the
chest. The cause is an extra beat -- or more
correctly, a premature beat -- one that comes
before it should. The beat after a premature beat
is delayed. During the delay, the heart fills
with more blood than usual, and that causes a
thump in the chest when the heart empties.
Premature beats are almost always innocent and
need no treatment. You can believe your doctors
and nurses.
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Copyright 1997-2010 by
Heritage Publishing. All rights reserved.
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