| today's
laugh An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and
starts crying.
The bartender asks, "What’s
wrong?" The old man looks at the bartender through
Teary eyes and between sobs says,
"I married a beautiful woman two days ago.
She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a
marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper,
Extremely sensitive to my wants and
needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely
passionate in bed."
The bartender stares at the old man for
a brief moment and says, "But that sounds great! You
have what every man wants in a woman, so why are
crying?"
The old man looks at the bartender and
says, "I can’t remember where I live!"
Three old ladies are sitting in a
diner, chatting about various things. One lady says,
"You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This
morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I
couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was
about to go down." The second lady says, "You
think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on
the edge of my bed, and I couldn’t remember whether
I was going to bed or had just waken up!" The third
lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory’s just as
good as it’s always been, knock on wood." She
raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she
asks, "Who’s there?!"
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind
date with a 90-year-old man.
When she returned to her
daughter’s house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the
daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three
times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered. "I
thought he was dead!"
1911
INTERESTING MELANGE.
A Chronological Record of Events as they have
Transpired in the City and County since our last Issue.
Martin McNerney Gets a
Spill.
Martin A. McNerney got a bad spill from
his road wagon yesterday afternoon while driving from his
quarry mill to town.
He came by Kendricktown, through the
Carthage Marble & White Lime Company’s yards,
and there his horse was scared at a car load of timber,
dumped Mr. McNerney out against the quarry mill, and ran
for the brush, where he was caught by employees at the
mill.
An Open
Knife In His Pocket.
Murry Bradford, a student at the High
School, was badly cut in the leg yesterday while
exercising on the grounds, by his dissecting knife which
he had open in his pocket. By throwing himself into a
stooping posture, the razor-like knife blade was thrust
through his clothing into his flesh, making quite a
severe wound.
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Today's Feature Polling Places
Announced for Jasper County Extension Council
Elections
The 2011 public election of ten
new members for the Jasper County University of
Missouri Extension County Council will take place
January 12 - 26.
Every county in Missouri has an
extension council made up of elected and
appointed members who represent the broad
educational needs and backgrounds of people in
that county.
Missouri state statutes create
county extension councils to work with University
of Missouri Extension.
Citizens over the age of 18 who
reside in Jasper County can vote at one of ten
locations within the county. Locations include:
the University of Missouri Extension office in
the basement of the Courthouse; Midwest Ag
Supply, Central & Grant, Carthage; Ag Service
Center of Carthage, 9721 County Rd. 80; SWCD
office, 416 E. Airport Drive, Carthage; Whitehead
Farm Supply, 318 Main, LaRussell; City Hall, 121
E. Grand, Jasper; Henkle Ace Hardware, 1201 S.
Madison, Webb City; Jasper County Court Building,
601 S. Pearl, Joplin; and Fast 4 U, 920 N. Hwy D,
Oronogo.
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Just Jake
Talkin'
Mornin',
After the 60 degree weather
last week, I find myself concerned that we
haven’t had a good, hard freeze yet this
winter and time is runnin’ out.
‘Course it takes a
good freeze to keep down the critters when
summer comes around, or so I’ve always
been led to believe. Hopefully we get a few
cold days and get it over with and get back
to this early spring weather.
From what they say on the
weather reports this 40’s highs and
20’s lows are "normal" for
this time a year. For some reason I’ve
always thought a January as bein’ a
little cooler than that. Suppose ya just
remember those 18 degree highs with 40 mile
per hour winds more. But then, I’ve
never been one ta really recognize
"normal."
This is some fact, but
mostly,
Just Jake Talkin’.
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Carthage Printing |
Weekly
Columns
HERE’S A TIP
By
JoAnn Derson
• "During the winter,
I keep a spray bottle around that’s filled
with a dilution of fabric softener. Not only do a
few spritzes on the furniture and carpet make the
house smell nice, it also gives some much-needed
humidity to the air." -- D.K. in Wyoming
• "This is a big hit
at our house for dinner: Make meatloaf in a
muffin tin and then use whipped potatoes to
‘frost’ the ‘cupcakes.’ We
also decorate the tops with peas or corn kernels
for a fun dinner that we then eat up!" --
B.B. in California
• Restrict your salt at
the saltshaker. Seal up a few holes with clear
nail polish.
• "If you like to
reuse margarine tubs or similar containers for
storing food or even crafts, use a bit of nail
polish remover to clean off the lettering on the
outside of the tub. It comes right off and
doesn’t appear to affect the plastic."
-- A.L. in Delaware
• When placing dough in a
bowl to rise, try spraying it with cooking spray.
It’s less messy than spreading oil around
with your fingers.
• Slip a knee-high
stocking over the mouth of your vacuum-cleaner
hose and use it to dust your bookshelves or
around knick-knacks. Nothing will get sucked up
but dust.
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Heritage Publishing. All rights reserved.
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