| today's
laugh Things Rednecks Will Never Say
-I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000,
Alex.
-Duct tape won’t fix that.
-Honey, I think we should sell the
pickup and buy a family sedan.
-Come to think of it, I’ll have a
Heineken.
-We don’t keep firearms in this
house.
-Has anybody seen the sideburns
trimmer?
-You can’t feed that to the dog.
-I thought Graceland was tacky.
-No kids in the back of the pickup,
it’s just not safe.
-Wrestling’s fake.
-Honey, did you mail that donation to
Greenpeace?
-We’re vegetarians.
-Do you think my gut is too big?
-I’ll have grapefruit and grapes
instead of biscuits and gravy.
-Honey, we don’t need another dog.
-Who gives a crap who won the Civil
War?
-Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
-Too many deer heads detract from the
decor.
-She’s too young to be wearing a
bikini.
-Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
-Hey, here’s an episode of
"Hee Haw" that we haven’t seen.
-I don’t have a favorite college
team.
-Be sure to bring my salad dressing on
the side.
-Those shorts ought to be a little
longer, Darla.
-Nope, no more for me. I’m
drivin’ tonight.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies
like a banana.
The child was a typical four-year-old
girl - cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny.
When she expressed difficulty in
grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to
pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images
would help.
One page after another, he pointed out
the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the
wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.
"Now do you understand?" he
asked.
"I think so," she said,
"is that when mommy came to work for us?"
A young boy was looking through the
family album and asked his mother: "Who’s this
guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly
hair?"
"That’s your father."
"Then who’s that old
bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?"
1911
INTERESTING MELANGE.
A Chronological Record of Events as they have
Transpired in the City and County since our last Issue.
Nine-Year Old Boy
Thrown From an
Electric Car and May
Die.
This afternoon a boy about nine years
of age, whose name could not be learned was thrown from
an electric car just beyond Lakeside park and received
what is thought to be fatal injuries.
The lad belonged to a party of school
children from either Carterville or Webb City who were on
their way to the park to see the Jasper County Exhibit.
He was sitting on the rear platform of the car and in
some way caught his foot in a cattle guard as they
whizzed past and was thrown 20 feet in the air. He was
terribly injured by the fall and from the information
obtainable is probably fatally hurt.
The car was due to arrive in Carthage
at 3 o’clock but was 15 minutes late on account of
the accident. The boy was taken to Lakeside and then sent
back to his home on the next car.
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Today's Feature Sheriff Dunn
Challenges Authority.
Jasper County Sheriff Archie
Dunn filed a suit against the Jasper County
Commission on Monday in a challenge to the
Commission’s authority to dissolve the
former Law Enforcement Grant Fund Application
Panel that had been appointed by Sheriff Dunn.
The Commission has since appointed five members
of their own choosing. The Panel oversees
approximately $150,000 in grants to local
emergency services agencies within the county.
The funding comes from a 4.3% portion of the 1/4%
Jasper County sales tax approved in 2005 by a
vote of the people. The ballot language itself
was straight forward, reading:
"Shall the County of
Jasper impose a county wide sales tax of one
quarter of one percent on all retail sales for
the purpose of providing law enforcement services
for the County?"
During discussions before the
tax was approved, the Commission and Sheriff Dunn
made several agreements as to how the revenue
would be handled. The Commission has argued that
those agreements are still in their realm of
resposibility, and can be modified.
Jasper
County Jail Count
195 July 12,
2011
Total
Including Placed out of County
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 |
Just Jake
Talkin'
Mornin',
One a the hardest things ta
get across to a new swimmer is that if ya
relax, most folks will float.
The thing that sinks most
who try to float is they don’t
understand that the feet don’t float.
When the feet start sinkin’, they panic
and down they go.
The trick is to get a good
amount of air in the lungs and just relax.
The feet go down and the head will tilt
forward into the water. If ya just relax and
be still, you’ll float till ya need ta
take another breath. To do this you just
raise your head and give a little kick to
raise ya up a bit. This survival technique is
simple and nearly always works.
Most of us find it hard to
take a minute and get a deep breath to relax.
I’m sure it was this concern that
prompted the clerk over the weekend to
politely ask me to go jump in the lake.
This is some fact, but
mostly,
Just Jake Talkin’.
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Carthage Printing |
Weekly
Column
HERE’S A TIP
By
JoAnn Derson
• To bring out the natural
sweetness of corn on the cob, try sprinkling a
little bit of sugar in the pot after the water
has come to a boil.
• If the scar of a
cantaloupe is rough or has a stem attached, the
melon was picked too early and won’t ripen
as well as one with a smooth scar. Also, check
the net pattern on the outside; it should be even
and an overall tan-yellow color, not green or
mottled.
• You can remove berry
stains from your fingers with lemon juice. Got
berry juice on your tablecloth? Here’s E.B.
of Mississippi’s suggestion: "Pour a
generous amount of milk on the spot, let it soak
for 15 minutes or more. Then soak in cold water
with soap for an hour or more. Wash, rinse and
dry."
• Soak raisins in cold
water before chopping so that they won’t
stick to your knife.
• "Use lined-up
celery ribs to create a base for your roast. This
way, the juices move around more and the roast
never sticks to the pan. I serve the celery with
the roast, but you don’t have to if you
don’t want to." -- A.T. in Tennessee
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Copyright 2011, Heritage
Publishing. All rights reserved.
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