| today's
laugh Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal
says, "You know, I just can’t seem to get a
tender Missionary. I’ve baked them, I’ve
roasted them, I’ve stewed them, I’ve barbecued
them, I’ve tried every sort of marinade. I just
cannot seem to get them tender."
The second cannibal asks, "What
kind of Missionary do you use?"
The other replied, "You know, the
ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the
river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around
the waist and they’re sort of bald on top with a
funny ring of hair on their heads."
"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal
replies. "No wonder... those are friars!"
I bought my wife a mood ring the other
day.
When she’s in a good mood it turns
green.
When she’s in a bad mood, it
leaves a red mark on my forehead.
A dog has an owner. A cat
has a staff.
Actual Medical Charts
The baby was delivered, the cord
clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who
breathed and cried immediately.
The skin was moist and dry.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size
thyroid.
The patient was in his usual state of
good health until his airplane ran out of gas and
crashed.
The patient lives at home with his
mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled
in day care three times a week.
Bleeding started in the rectal area and
continued all the way to Los Angeles.
She is numb from her toes down.
Exam of genitalia was completely
negative except for the right foot.
While in the emergency room, she was
examined, X-rated and sent home.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover
function.
The patient was to have a bowel
resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker
instead.
Occasional, constant, infrequent
headaches.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no
children.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled
around the room.
1911
INTERESTING MELANGE.
A Chronological Record of Events as they have
Transpired in the City and County since our last Issue.
Jury Returned Guilty
Verdict.
The guilt or innocence of Thomas
Kettlewell charged with raping his 10-year-old
stepdaughter was left in the hands of the 12 jurors in
circuit court. At 11:30, the jury filed into the court
with a verdict and sheriff W. H. Warren went to the
county jail to bring the defendant into court to hear it.
There were only a few attorneys and spectators when the
prisoner entered in charge of deputy Nate Smith and the
hands of the big clock pointed to 11:51. Judge Perkins
read the verdict: "We, the jury, find the defendant
guilty of assault with intent to commit rape, as charged
in the second count of the indictment and assess his
punishment at 3 years imprisonment in the
penitentiary."
After court adjourned, Kettlewell said:
"I may be stamped by my fellowmen as a criminal, but
I thank God that I go to prison an innocent man." As
he was speaking the big clock in the tower tolled twelve
and he was led out of the courtroom.
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Today's Feature Consumer
Complaints Addressed.
Attorney General Chris Koster
visited the Resource, Recovery and Rebuilding
Center in Joplin Wednesday to review the number
and nature of complaints his staff has received
since opening a mobile office following the May
tornado. Koster has had staff on site to assist
people who have questions or concerns about
consumer issues, such as mortgage counseling,
price gouging, identity theft, and contractor or
debris-removal scams.
"Our staff in Joplin have
received nearly 300 consumer complaints from
Joplin storm survivors, and the numbers change
hourly," Koster said. "It’s an
incredibly unfortunate reality that there are
people who see this kind of tragedy as an
opportunity to profit from the victims’
misfortune."
Koster said currently the top
five complaint categories are:
mortgage fraud, with 54
complaints and 40 resolved; rent increase issues,
51 complaints and 30 resolved; towing, 13
complaints and 5 resolved; charity, 8 complaints
and 2 closed; and home repair, 9 complaints and 5
closed.
Jasper
County Jail Count
190 July 14,
2011
Total
Including Placed out of County
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Just Jake
Talkin'
Mornin',
I’ve never had the
pleasure of testifyin’ in a courtroom
under oath. I’d just assume keep it that
way. I don’t know of any earth
shatterin’ evidence I would have in my
possession, but havin’ to remember
ever’ little detail of a particular
decision or judgement might put a strain on
my mental capacity.
Not havin’ any real
legal trainin’, I may be
overestimatin’ the reality, but I’d
have to assume that the challenge the Sheriff
has laid down for the County Commission will
get into a few details of not only authority,
but also competency. Not only was this or
that decision or judgement legal, but was it
the best judgement or decision based on the
circumstances at the time.
One thing lawyers like ta
do is ask questions. Lots of ‘em.
‘Course so do my grandkids. I don’t
always have the answer.
This is some fact, but
mostly,
Just Jake Talkin’.
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Metcalf Auto Supply |
Weekly
Column
artCentral
ART NOTES from
Hyde House
by Sally Armstrong,
Director of artCentral
Our gallery is empty of art
once more, in preparation for our children’s
artCamp which will begin July 18th and continue
through July 31st. This year we will feature a
second Annual Kid’s Exhibit on Sunday the
24th, which is the only day in the middle of the
camp schedule when we do not hold classes. Last
year we held the first exhibit in our gallery,
with a cookie and punch reception for the
parents, families and friends and it was a big
success. Teachers were on hand to meet, and I
featured some of our teacher’s work that day
as well. This year we will continue that
tradition started. I alluded to the fact in last
week’s article that we have received some
memorial money from friends of Richard Logsdon,
and this money is designated as scholarship funds
for kids who desire to take additional classes at
camp but maybe do not have all the funds to do
so. In order to receive help, a child must be
enrolled in at least one paid for class, and then
we work with each case to assist in help with
additional classes. A child must have a letter
from an art or regular teacher on file that
he/she has a desire and interest in art, and that
they are worthy of the help from our patrons who
volunteer assistance. Some of our members are
faithful to award assistance to students as
needed; artists Lora Waring and Cheryl Church
whose work was shown in the last exhibition asked
that the sales of their cards and prints go
towards scholarships for artCamp. Our advisor to
the board, former volunteer director Sandy
Higgins is always interested in assisting worthy
students, and has once more this year volunteered
to do so. It is so heartening to have these offer
their assistance, especially with the children
from Joplin that we may be getting for the first
time, who may have difficulty financially but who
might really benefit from camp this year. I
appreciate the publicity given me in both the
PRESS and the GLOBE to get the word out that our
kid’s camp is open to all kid’s aged
8-14 who have an "interest" in art---
maybe not a great talent, but at least an
interest. Not every kid will be a future artist,
but we hope to foster a desire and enable them to
have a time to create in a beautiful setting,
something we can offer here at the Hyde House.
Let us know if you know of a worthy child that
could enjoy this experience!
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Copyright 2011, Heritage
Publishing. All rights reserved.
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