| today's
laugh Two fellers were in
desperate need of cash, but admittedly were a bit
cowardly. So the one suggested they break into the Amish
market. The logic being that since the Amish were
nonresistant, even if they were caught, no harm could
befall them. Thus they carried out their plot.
However, just as they were breaking
into the cash register, the owner turned on the lights
and confronted them, a shotgun pointed directly at them.
Calmly, the Amishman said, Boys, I would never do thee
any harm yet you are standing where I am about to shoot.
Red Neck Stew
The US Department of the Interior had
to change the wording on the metal bands they used to tag
migratory birds. Seems these bands used to have the
address of the Washington Biological Survey abbreviated
as "Wash. Biol. Surv." One day they received a
letter from a hunter in Alabama:
Dear Sirs:
Last week I shot one of your birds. It
might have been a crow. I followed the cooking directions
on the leg tag. Let me tell you, It was AWFUL!
The bands are now marked "Fish and
Wildlife Service."
I went to buy some camouflage trousers
the other day but I couldn’t find any.
"Good news, ladies and gentlemen,
we have finally located weapons of mass destruction:
It’s Dick Cheney." -- David Letterman
1911
INTERESTING MELANGE.
A Chronological Record of Events as they have
Transpired in the City and County since our last Issue.
$100 Reward, $100.
The readers of this paper will be
pleased to learn that there is at least one dreaded
disease that science has been able to cure in all its
stages and that is Catarrh. Hall’s Catarrh Cure is
the only positive cure now known to the medical
fraternity. Catarrh being a constitutional disease
requires a constitutional treatment. Hall’s catarrh
cure is taken internally, acting directly upon the blood
and mucous surfaces of the system, thereby destroying the
foundation of the disease, and giving the patient
strength by building up the constitution and assisting
nature in doing its work.
Bits of Information.
Germany now has electric lights in over
1,000 postal cars, and Austria is about to adopt the same
system.
Oranges have been grown in Lyons, Kan.,
the owner of a tree having plucked three.
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Today's Feature Activities Planned
for Maple Leaf Festival
The 45th annual Maple Leaf
Festival planning committee announced several new
events, activities and features planned for the
this year’s festival. Brochures will be
available in mid-July they can be picked up at
the Carthage Chamber of Commerce or various
Carthage locations for a full list of the
week’s schedule including the following
additions.
The all new Maple Market will
be located at 6th and Main and will feature up to
20 commercial vendors offering a wide range of
products. The all new Kid’s Corner will be
located on the northeast corner of the square
(3rd and Grant) and will have multiple fun and
engaging crafts and activities for the kids. Both
Maple Market and Kid’s Corner will be open
from 8 a.m.-5 p.m. Saturday, October 15th.
The Maple Leaf circus will be
Sunday, October 16th. Location and time for the
circus to be announced.
The second installment of the
Carthage Historic Art Walk will be going on
around the square. Date night will be Friday
night, October 14th from 6:00-8:30 p.m. and
it’s family day Saturday, October 15th from
10 a.m.-3 p.m.
Jasper
County Jail Count
219 June 28,
2011
Total
Including Placed out of County
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Just Jake
Talkin'
Mornin',
There’s prob’ly
lots a things I never mastered as well as my
dad, but I know I could never get the hang of
spinnin’ a four-way lug wrench while
changin’ a tire. ‘Course I suppose
that could mean that I never got the practice
changin’ tires that he did.
One a the problems with
changin’ a flat on the newer cars is
they don’t have a decent hubcap ta throw
the lug nuts in. You’ve prob’ly
seen the guy bent down by the car, with one a
those little flimsy L shaped tire tools in
one hand and a lug nut in the other,
lookin’ completely bewildered. He’s
lookin’ for a spot to lay the nut so he
won’t loose it.
The real embarrassment
comes when ya gotta limp inta town with that
little weenie tire. There’s just no joy
in changin’ a flat anymore.
This is some fact, but
mostly,
Just Jake Talkin’.
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Carthage Printing |
Weekly
Column
HERE’S A TIP
By
JoAnn Derson
• Glassware will sparkle
if you add a capful of bleach to the rinse water
when hand-washing dishes.
• "Berries are in
season, and I use berry baskets for lots of
little storage needs. My favorite one is to hold
my sponges at the sink area. A basket will keep
small brushes corralled as well." -- I.R. in
Florida
• "We had an
impromptu princess/magical fairy tea party at our
house yesterday, and we came up with the best
on-the-spot magic wands. We cut big stars out of
paperboard (like a cereal box) and decorated them
with stickers, construction paper and glitter,
then we threaded them on long kebab sticks. I
snipped the pointy end and covered it with
colorful tape. Presto, party wand!" -- E.D.
in Maine
• To keep salt from coming
out of a saltshaker too quickly, add some plain
uncooked white rice to the shaker. The large
grains will block some of the holes, causing less
salt to come out with each shake. The rice also
will absorb moisture and keep the salt from
clumping.
• "When I take my dog
to ‘Grandma’ for dog-sitting, I measure
out each meal into a plastic zipper-top bag. This
way, Mom doesn’t have to remember how much
to feed at each mealtime, and it makes it easy to
serve." -- V.Y. in Texas
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Copyright 2011, Heritage
Publishing. All rights reserved.
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