Mornin' Mail

The Mornin' Mail is published every weekday except major holidays
Thursday, June 30, 2011 Volume XX, Number 9

Did Ya Know?..The City of Carthage will be spraying for mosquitoes Monday, June 27 through Friday July 1. Areas will be sprayed in the evening of the day of area garbage pickup between the hours of 8 p.m. and midnight. Residents are asked to turn off attic or window fans when the sprayer is in their area.

today's laugh

A prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman, to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’

She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?’

She again replied, ‘Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.’

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, ‘If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be jailed for contempt!’

One prospective employee dutifully wrote the name of his high school, followed by the dates attended: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

1911

INTERESTING MELANGE.
A Chronological Record of Events as they have Transpired in the City and County since our last Issue.

The Baby Has a Home.

The baby abandoned in the yard of a North Maple street residence did not remain long without a home after being taken to the poor farm. The baby arrived at the farm and was taken the next day by a man and his wife named Dudley who lives on Cedar street in this City. They are excellent people and will adopt the child.

Tomatoes a Few Years Ago.

"I remember well - and I am not an old man either - when the tomato plant was considered poisonous," said Professor Blanton. "My mother used to call the tomato the love apple. The vegetable was cultivated for its ornamental value strictly, and while nearly every southern farmer had it in his garden he warned his children against it as if it contained arsenic or strychnine. I don’t think it has been longer than thirty-five years since the tomato was regarded in this light."

Today's Feature

Battle of Carthage

Moment of Remembrance.

The City of Carthage Civil War Sesquicentennial Committee invites all to the Battle of Carthage Moment of Remembrance on July 5th at 10 A.M. on the South Side of the Jasper County Courthouse steps. The ceremony will feature city and county representatives and honor those who lost their lives in the Battle of Carthage.

Churches are encouraged to ring their bells promptly at 10 AM in remembrance of our war torn community. For additional information contact the Carthage Convention & Visitor’s Bureau 417-359-8181.

The City of Carthage Civil War Sesquicentennial Committee is still accepting applications for vendors for the Sesquicentennial Commemoration on July 9, 2011 in Central Park. Vendors do not need to be authentic to the period but should have a state sales tax ID and a license to do business in Carthage. Interested parties may contact Wendi at the Carthage Convention & Visitor’s Bureau. 417-359-8181 or wdouglas@ecarthage.com

Jasper County Jail Count

221 June 29, 2011

Total Including Placed out of County

NASCAR THIS WEEK

By Monte Dutton

Dr. Feelgood’s Manchurian Elixir

It’s almost impossible to have a daydream about a nightmare. It happened to me, though, during the press conferences at Michigan International Speedway on June 17.

Stock-car racing changed a lot when Dale Earnhardt died because, in his absence, Imperial NASCAR had no one who would stand in its way. Racing changed when Winston left, not because RJR sold tobacco but because its leaders understood racing and put their money where their mouth was. Winston had clout. Sprint just writes a check and, as a result, NASCAR has been unchecked ever since.

David Poole’s death removed an obstacle from NASCAR’s path. Poole stood up to a ruling body that was interested in the media only to the extent that it could manipulate it. A bone of contention between Poole and me was his belief that I was not civic-minded enough. David would trot off a heated email in a heartbeat. He got frustrated at me because I didn’t think it did any good.

If I told David once, I told him 50 times, "Sorry. I’d rather have the bad will." If I feel I’m being treated badly, it fuels my writing. "I’d love to help you, David, but that stuff just costs me too many columns."

NASCAR doesn’t have drivers anymore. The cars are being piloted by drones. I thought drug testing consisted of urine samples, but some NASCAR drivers act as if they’ve had samples taken from their brains.

Stock-car racers are supposed to be rugged individualists. The sport grew out of hell-raising, plain-speaking men who said what they thought and didn’t lose any sleep over what anyone else thought. The legends of Curtis Turner, Joe Weatherly, Tim Richmond and Junior Johnson are as alien to modern NASCAR as King Arthur and Guinevere to Prince William and Kate. It took England centuries to change. It took NASCAR a decade.

As I read the wholesome pearls of Tony Stewart’s wisdom, I think of neither Earnhardt nor Poole.

Stewart: "... at the end of the day, I like to have a sanctioning body like NASCAR that is going to make sure things go the way that they are supposed to be and that they aren’t pushing it that far."

I could’ve gotten that from an episode of "The Mickey Mouse Club": "N-A-S ... because we love you ... C-A-R ... M-O-U-S-E." Except in NASCAR, no one even goes through the motions of echoing back "Donald Duck!"

Last week I couldn’t believe my ears reading what Ryan Newman said. On Friday, another driver who used to halfway answer a question straight, Denny Hamlin, sounded as if he had been guzzling Dr. Feelgood’s Magical Elixir, too.

Ryan Newman, who apparently has been secretly fined at least twice, said last week, "When we are talking about fines, whether it is private or public, there is nothing really we should elaborate on because it is not something that our sport should be proud of or should elaborate. To me, it is something for you guys to write, but it is not something that is good for our sport, so it’s not something we want to keep talking about, first of all. ...

Just Jake Talkin'
Mornin',

My brother and a friend contracted to mow a teacher’s yard while the instructor was away for the summer. Bein’ still in Jr. High, the two boys split the summer down the middle. My brother was to take the responsibility the second half because he had other stuff goin’ on earlier. The deal was for the lawn ta be mowed ever two weeks.

The buddy mowed late durin’ his reign, that is until the last two week period. He mowed that early, by about a week. When my brother returned to begin his turn, there was a month’s growth of yard ta cut.

After several days of attackin’ the lawn with the mower, a farmer was called in with a tractor and hay cycle. After cleanin’ up the hay, the lawn was mowed back to normal.

The teacher returned to a nice lawn, but prob’ly wondered ‘bout the occasional tractor tire imprints.

This is some fact, but mostly,

Just Jake Talkin’.