Mornin' Mail

The Mornin' Mail is published every weekday except major holidays
Thursday, March 3, 2011 Volume XIX, Number 175

Did Ya Know?...The Carthage Humane Society is asking for donations of canned & dry dog food and old newspapers due to an unusual amount of puppies coming into the shelter. Call 358-6402

Did Ya Know?...Grace Episcopal Church will have "Breakfast For Dinner" for Shrove Tuesday, March 8 from 5 to 7 p.m. All you can eat pancakes, sausage, drink $6 - $3 twelve and under.

today's laugh

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy..."

"This is a nice place. I’ve never been here before," he says to the guy next to him.

"Oh, really?" the other replies. "It is a nice place. It’s also a very special bar."

"Why is that?" the first guy asks. "Well, do you see that painting on the far wall? That’s an original Van Gogh, and this stool I’m sitting on was on the Titanic."

"Gee, that’s amazing!" says the first guy.

"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you’ll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you’re pushed back up."

"No way! That’s impossible," the guy scoffs.

"Not at all. Take a look," the other man replies, and with that he walks over to the window and opens it. He climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails back through the window. "See? It’s fun. You should try it," he says.

"Try it? I don’t even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts.

"It’s easy. Watch, I’ll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails back through the window. "Give it a try. It’s a blast," he says.

"Well, what the heck, I’ll give it a try," the first man says, and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10... 20... 30... 40... 50...60...70...80...90... 100 feet and splat -- he ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.

After watching this, the second guy casually closes the window, heads back to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk."

Q: What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

A: "BREATHE YOU IDIOT, BREATHE!"

1911

INTERESTING MELANGE.
A Chronological Record of Events as they have Transpired in the City and County since our last Issue.

WATER MADE TROUBLE.

"Water in the mines has probably given more trouble in this district in the last thirty days than ever known before," said an old prospector today. "This is not because the recent heavy rains have put more water in the ground than we have often had before, but the miners were less prepared to handle it. We had three very dry years preceding this and little effort was generally required to keep water properly pumped out of the shafts during that time. Indeed, some shafts had a deficiency of water supply.

"During this period many new shafts have been sunk. Naturally they were equipped sufficiently only to pump the minimum water seepage encountered at such a time. Naturally also they were swamped until they added more pumping capacity.

"Also many of the old plants found it unnecessary to immediately replace some one of their pumps that may have worn out during the dry period."

Today's Feature

2011 BOYLAN ART AND WRITING CONTEST .

The Carthage R-9 School Foundation has announced the Boylan Art and Writing Contest, made possible through a grant from the Helen S. Boylan Foundation.

The contest is open to Carthage High School students in grades 9-12. Seven divisions are offered: Humorous Writing, Fiction, Essay, Poetry, Two-dimensional Drawing, Two-dimensional Painting, and Three-dimensional/Ceramics. First, Second and Third places are awarded in each division. First Place winners are awarded $500; the Second Place award is $300, and Third Place winners receive $200, resulting in a total of $7,000 in prize money being distributed.

"The members of the Helen S. Boylan Foundation Board of Directors are highly committed to supporting education and actively support the Carthage R-9 School District in many ways," said Vicki Cash, Carthage R-9 School Foundation Director. "We are truly grateful to Helen S. Boylan Foundation for funding this annual event."

Complete contest details are available at the CHS Counselors’ Office or contact Carthage R-9 School Foundation by calling 417.359.7047.

NASCAR THIS WEEK

By Monte Dutton

Better Times Ahead at Petty Motorsports

Petty Enterprises won 10 championships in what is now known as the NASCAR Sprint Cup Series, a total matched only by modern dynamo Hendrick Motorsports.

But all 10 of the Petty Enterprises titles came with men named Petty behind the wheel. Richard Petty won seven championships, while his father, Lee, won three. Richard Petty’s last championship occurred in 1979.

The team currently known as Richard Petty Motorsports is descended from Petty Enterprises but is no longer wholly owned by the family. The current team, recently reconfigured once again in terms of ownership, has roots in Petty Enterprises (268 Cup victories), Robert Yates Racing (57) and Gillett Evernham Motorsports (15).

Kasey Kahne won twice in 2009 while employed at the team, but he has moved on to Team Red Bull this year and is headed for Hendrick Motorsports in 2012. A year ago, Richard Petty Motorsports entered four Fords in each Cup race: Kahne, A.J. Allmendinger, Paul Menard and Elliott Sadler. Menard has since moved to Richard Childress Racing, and Sadler is scheduled to compete in the Camping World Truck Series.

Allmendinger, who finished 19th in the 2010 Sprint Cup standings, is back, along with newcomer Marcos Ambrose, who was 26th. The team, no longer associated with previous principal owner George Gillett, will field only two Fords this year.

Petty regained control of the team and managed to acquire new investors. The decline of Gillett’s business empire created hardships, particularly during the latter half of the 2010 season.

Allmendinger hopes, and believes, that smaller will be better.

"This team has had a lot of good resources, but it was just spread too thin," he said.

"Obviously we went through a rough time at the end of last year that we fought through, and hopefully we are better because of that. We are more funded now, and more money helps."

Ambrose, the Australian driver previously at JTG/Daugherty Motorsports, said, "We need to win, no doubt about it. We expect to win. ... If we can win races and be consistent, then you never know what is possible."

Just Jake Talkin'
Mornin',

One of the perils of self service gas is the tank filler cap.

I did ever’thing I’d been taught. I removed the cap, placed it on the fender so, as my dad taught me, if ya did forget to put it back, it would fall off near the station.

As I pulled out about a half block I heard the thump and saw the cap slidin’ along the road. I turned around at the next intersection and returned to retrieve the cap.

It was nowhere to be found. I searched the neighborhood, wanderin’ through yards, lookin’ under parked cars, but not a trace.

After ‘bout a half hour I retreated to Metcalf’s and was relieved to find that my episode was common enough that they stock a variety of gas caps. Supply and demand, it’s the American way.

This is some fact, but mostly,

Just Jake Talkin’