| today's
laugh A man and his wife are sitting at the kitchen
table, which is next to the window. The man’s name
is Rudolph, and since he is Russian, people call him
"Rudolph the Red." Rudolph looked out the
window and said to his wife, "Oh look honey,
it’s raining outside." She looks out as well
and says, "No, I think that is snow." He looks
at her and says, "Rudolph the red knows rain
dear."
An Irishman proposed to his girl friend
on Saint Patrick’s Day and gave her a ring with a
synthetic diamond. On learning it wasn’t real she
protested vehemently about his cheapness. He explained
that in honor of Saint Patrick’s Day, he picked her
a sham rock.
A man went into his dentist to see why
his dentures kept decaying rapidly on him.
The dentist looked at his dentures and
remarked, "This is very odd, they look like
something’s been eating them. Is there anything
different that you’ve been eating lately?"
The man thought for a bit and said,
"Well, my wife has been making a lot of eggs
benedict recently with hollandaise sauce."
"Ah!" exclaimed the dentist,
"That’s it. I know just what you need. I’m
going to order you some new dentures with plates made out
of chrome."
"Chrome?" exclaimed the man
incredulously, "Why Chrome?"
"Because, There’s no plates
like chrome for the hollandaise"
You need two American coins to add up
to .30 cents. One of them is not a nickel.
Q: What are the coins?
A: One of them is not a nickel, the
other one is, a nickel and a quarter.
On the other hand, you have different
fingers.
1911
INTERESTING MELANGE.
A Chronological Record of Events as they have
Transpired in the City and County since our last Issue.
Michael Morris Bound Over.
Michael Morris, the man who was
arrested charged with grand larceny for trying to drive
away with E. R. Grieb’s team and wagon and a load of
goods last Monday, was given a hearing before Justice
Shaffer in Union township yesterday and was bound over to
the grand jury. As he failed to give bail he was taken
back to jail.
Won a Prize on an Essay.
Hubert H. Cushman, the soda fountain
expert with the Wells Drug Co., has just been awarded the
third prize of $15 in a contest for essays on "How
to run a hot soda apparatus profitably." the prizes
were offered by James W. Tufts of Boston, to be competed
for only by fountain experts. The prizes called out no
less than 700 essays and the judges have been ever since
June 1 going over them and selecting the ones entitled to
the prizes.
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Today's Feature 11th Annual
Alumni Football.
The 11th Annual Alumni Football
Game will be held on Saturday, October 8
presented by Carthage R-9 School Foundation. The
game begins at 7:00 pm at K.E. Baker Stadium.
Tickets are $3.00 at the gate for adults.
Children 12 and under get in free. Concessions
are available including grilled hamburgers and
hot dogs.
CHS Alumni Football Players of
all ages gather on the gridiron once again as the
Blue Team and the White Team face off. Coach Andy
Youngworth is the announcer, assisted by color
man Neel Baucom.
Youth Football Players also
take the field to show their Tiger Pride and
scrimmage under the lights. Youth Cheerleaders
demonstrate their talent and spirit.!
The purpose of Carthage R-9
School Foundation is to develop additional
resources to assist the school district in
improving educational opportunities for students,
faculty and patrons of the district. The Alumni
Football Game is one of the Foundation’s
major fundraisers.
To play in the game, become a
sponsor, or make a donation in support of the
Foundation, call 417.359.7047.
Jasper
County Jail Count
? September 28,
2011
Total
Including Placed out of County
NASCAR THIS WEEK
By
Monte Dutton
Struggling Montoya
Stays Optimistic
Juan Pablo Montoya began
competing regularly in NASCAR’s Sprint Cup
Series in 2007. He was named Rookie of the Year,
which came as no surprise since Montoya is one of
the racing world’s more recognizable names,
not to mention one of its prodigious talents.
Yet Montoya -- who won the CART
championship in 1999 as a rookie, won the
Indianapolis 500 in 2000 and the Grand Prix of
Monaco in 2003 -- has yet to blossom into
full-fledge stock-car stardom.
Montoya, who just turned 36, is
the first foreign-born driver to win more than
once in Cup competition. Both his victories have
occurred on road courses. He made the Chase for
the Sprint Cup in 2009.
Entering the rain-delayed Geico
400 at Chicagoland Speedway, Montoya, who is from
Bogota, Colombia, but now lives in Miami, ranked
18th in the point standings. It’s been a
dreary season not just for Montoya, but for his
team, Earnhardt Ganassi Racing with Felix
Sabates. Montoya’s teammate, Jamie McMurray,
had slumped to 25th entering the Chicagoland
race.
"I think the No. 1 car
(McMurray) has been having a really rough season,
and they have been trying to change things
around, and it hasn’t really come to
them," Montoya said. "They have had a
couple of decent results, but overall it has been
a really hard season for them.
"For us, we have been up
and down. We can get a top-five (finish) here and
there, and fight for a win there, and then run
30th. It is something ... we need to understand
why it is, and lately it has been getting harder
and harder. I think our cars need to get better.
We looked at some numbers and stuff, and there is
some work to be done. It is going to be
interesting."
If Montoya is growing weary of
struggling, he hasn’t admitted it. He
insists he is happy with the principal owner,
Chip Ganassi.
"He’s a good guy to
work for," Montoya said. "Like
everybody else, he’s got his good days, and
really bad days.
"You’ve got to make
sure, when you talk to him, you’ve got him
on a good day."
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Just Jake
Talkin'
Mornin',
Hopefully the last of the
pig tales.
Sounder, that’s what
ya call a bunch a pigs. (A herd is also
acceptable I guess, but I still think pigs
deserve their own particular collective
term.)
Some other unusual
collective terms were also submitted by a
Mail fan. There is a leap of leopards, of
course a pride of lions, and a parliament of
owls. Polecats gather into a chine and
several rabbits become a drove.
Turkey’s aren’t
considered a flock, but a rafter, while
wolves pack. Eagles don’t flock either,
they group in a lofty soundin’
convocation. Then there is the gaggle of
geese, a skulk of foxes, and a troop of
kangaroos (also sometimes called a mob of
kangaroos). By the way, a yoke of oxen is
exactly two, so two yoke would be four.
This is some fact, but
mostly,
Just Jake Talkin’.
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Weekly
Column
CLICK and CLACK
TALK
CARS
My wife and I live in the
northwest corner of Georgia, and she insists on
running her car’s air conditioner at all
times -- winter, summer, spring, fall, day,
night, doesn’t matter. While I don’t
mind using it when it’s hot, I think using
it in winter does nothing but waste gas (as your
engine does have to work harder when the air is
on). But she thinks that by running it in the
winter, it will keep her hair nice because,
according to her, it keeps the humidity low.
When we drive somewhere
together, sometimes I can sneak my hand over and
turn it off while she’s not looking, and,
after the inevitable argument that results from
my surreptitious action, I can’t ever tell
any difference in her hair. But she insists that
she can. We’ve argued back and forth about
this for 10 years now, and I think it is finally
time we settled it once and for all. -- Jeff
TOM: Jeff, here’s what you
need to realize: Once your wife divorces you,
she’ll use the air conditioning whenever she
wants, since she’ll be getting the car. And
you’ll be living in a refrigerator box.
RAY: My brother knows whereof
he speaks, Jeff.
TOM: You need to give it a
rest, man. You’ve been on her case for 10
years over this? Who cares? If she says it makes
her hair look better, then it looks better.
RAY: She’s probably right.
Using the air conditioner decreases the humidity
in the air. And everybody knows that humid days
are bad-hair days. Humid days for me are "no
hair days." Just like every other day.
Tom: So, consider the facts,
Jeff: (A) She’s right. (B) You’re being
a pest. And (C) a divorce is much more expensive
than the small amount of gas she’s using to
run the air conditioner. So you decide the best
course of action here.
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Copyright 2011, Heritage
Publishing. All rights reserved.
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